"I know it."

I found him a very patient，very forbearing，and yet an exacting master: he expected me to do a great deal; and when I fulfilled his expectations，he，in his own way，fully testified his approbation.

By degrees，he acquired a certain influence over me that took away my liberty of mind: his praise and notice were more restraining than his indifference. I could no longer talk or laugh freely when he was by，because a tiresomely importunate instinct reminded me that vivacity (at least in me) was distasteful to him. I was so fully aware that only serious moods and occupations were acceptable，that in his presence every effort to sustain or follow any other became vain: I fell under a freezing spell. When he said "go," I went; "e," I came; "do this," I did it. But I did not love my servitude: I wished，many a time，he had continued to neglect me.

One evening when，at bedtime，his sisters and I stood round him，bidding him good-night，he kissed each of them，as was his custom; and，as was equally his custom，he gave me his hand. Diana，who chanced to be in a frolicsome humour (she was not painfully controlled by his will; for hers，in another way，was as strong)，exclaimed- "St. John! you used to call Jane your third sister，but you don"t treat her as such: you should kiss her too."

She pushed me towards him. I thought Diana very provoking，and felt unfortably confused; and while I was thus thinking and feeling，St. John bent his head; his Greek face was brought to a level with mine，his eyes questioned my eyes piercingly- he kissed me. There are no such things as marble kisses or ice kisses，or I should say my ecclesiastical cousin"s salute belonged to one of these classes; but there may be experiment kisses，and his was an experiment kiss. When given，he viewed me to learn the result; it was not striking: I am sure I did not blush; perhaps I might have turned a little pale，for I felt as if this kiss were a seal affixed to my fetters. He never omitted the ceremony afterwards，and the gravity and quiescence with which I underwent it，seemed to invest it for him with a certain charm.

As for me，I daily wished more to please him; but to do so，I felt daily more and more that I must disown half my nature，stifle half my faculties，wrest my tastes from their original bent，force myself to the adoption of pursuits for which I had no natural vocation. He wanted to train me to an elevation I could never reach; it racked me hourly to aspire to the standard he uplifted. The thing was as impossible as to mould my irregular features to his correct and classic pattern，to give to my changeable green eyes the sea-blue tint and solemn lustre of his own.